9/11/2016 3 Comments "Let your soul seek."“Let your soul seek.”
I was talking to a professor about how I wanted to be more spiritual, because I needed something more in my life. She smiled and nodded, empathizing with my struggle, “Let your soul seek.” I’d like to talk about my faith. This is hard because it’s a very personal topic, but it’s also just a lot of work. I don’t have a faith that’s easy to talk about. I’m probably a lot like you in that way, because whose faith is easy to explain? It’s difficult and it’s messy, but if I don’t do this, if I don’t try and piece together the spiritual parts of me that exist, I’ll be losing something. I’d lose the purpose that was set in my heart long ago. I’d lose a sense of belonging in the world. Essentially, I’d lose me. I’ve never been to the Vatican City, but I’d like to one day go and see the Sistine Chapel. I’d lie down and look at the world Michelangelo created. I’d stare at the part of the painting where Adam and God are trying to reach one another. I’d whisper to the walls, “Michelangelo, how did you know?” For a very long time, my faith was essentially me reaching out to God and only feeling air between my fingers. My heart would cry out, “Where are you God?” After months of waiting and reaching, my soul grew weary and my heart grew cold. Mostly though, my hand grew tired—so I stopped reaching. And soon, as the nights grew longer and darker, I began to lose something else, too. “Where are you, Rachel?” God wasn’t the only one missing. I guess I was missing, too. There are circles inside of me that never end. Sometimes I think they are merciless, because they cause chaos and fatigue. Sometimes I think these circles are only lines that enclose me, that take my freedom away. I’ve come to realize, though, that these circles are my truths. These circles are not lines that bar me inside, but cups that capture love and peace. These circles are my years that contain my great loves and my great losses. These circles are who I am. And so it is hard to pick at them. It’s hard to discover parts of myself that are missing. But I have to do it. I’m just not sure where to start. In one of my journals, I wrote a set of questions. They read: What do I feel strongly about? What are my core beliefs? How do these values play out in my life? How do these beliefs make me feel? How do they make me act toward others? How do these beliefs shape my writing? “Spirituality” is the title of the page. This is the first page of my journal, and all the other pages have poems, characters, outlines for stories, and quotes on them. After a page of questions dealing with God and what I want my purpose to be, I have creative outlets that let me be who I really am. Maybe I’m not truly broken, after all. Maybe I’m just trying to find out how to connect the first page of the journal to the rest. I’m not concerned with finding the “perfect” faith (as if there were such a thing). I’m more concerned about feeling content with my spirituality. I’m trying to find a way to God that does not restrict me or scare me. I’d like to find a way to God that lets me feel peace and love. I’d also just like to find a way back to the circles. I’d like to connect all the parts of me again. I’ll start by reaching and seeking again. And little by little the circles will heal. I’ll find me again and I’ll find the God of love, too Written by Rachel
3 Comments
Gail Dunn
9/11/2016 08:28:10 pm
Rachel. I am extremely thankful to be in one of your circles. Maybe I can learn the lessons included in your blog entries. I'm so moved in reading this one.
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Peggy
9/12/2016 08:20:23 am
Rachel, I respect your honesty and transparency. Feeling content with your spirituality is, dare I say it, a noble goal. Still trying to get there myself. I will say that it's an ever-changing, ever-evolving process. Good for you for starting much sooner than I did. Thankful to be in one of your "circles." Here's to the journey!
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Miriam
9/12/2016 02:06:48 pm
Ray, SO beautiful. I love the circles; it's all connected. thank you for your heart.
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